The Leopard and His Blonde
by Demonic Saint
Summary: A collection of drabbles all including Lucci and Paulie! Ratings range from K-T. SHONEN-AI! Lots of CRACK! AU! Most of the time. Maybe an OC or two.
1. Bath Time

Disclaimer: I still do not own One Piece. Even the idea is my insane friend's. I'm just writing it for her.

Rating: T – language.

Warning: Yaoish, Shonen-Aish, Crack, bathtime, AU and killer animal

Notice: No animals or blondes were harmed in the making of this fic, in theory.

Here's another written fic, drabble, thing. This is mainly crack, lots of crack. And Lucci is in his 4th form during this. Since giving a cat a bath is funnier that way.

!_!

"Lucci get down!" Paulie yelled.

The leopard just glanced his neon green eyes down at Paulie. His sharp claws imbedded halfway into the ceiling. The long tail curled protectively around his stomach. So the evil blonde wouldn't pull on it.

"Don't give me that look!"

The blonde clenched his teeth and blew out smoke from his mouth. Stomping out of the bathroom Paulie made his way to the hall closet. A smile formed around his cigar. Grasping the brown handle he took out his weapon. A broom.

But this was no ordinary broom. The top of the handle was made from sea stone. For just this occasion.

Quietly as the blonde could be. He snuck back into the tiled bathroom. Paulie eyed Lucci's still prone form. He moved his right hand to grip the bottom of the handle. Right above where the bristles start. He made a jabbing motion towards the leopard. Contacting solidly with his back.

**BAM! **

Paulie winced ever so slightly to the crashing of the body. Placing down the broom he gather the needed cleaning products.

Lucci looked dazed and dead. Really dead. Paulie sat outside the tub. Using what strength he could muster lifted the dead weight up a hair.

"God. Lose a few pounds." He muttered.

He squirted the rose scented shampoo onto the leopard's furry back. Massaging it into a nice soapy lather. The shampoo went off without losing body parts.

But the rinsing just had to start with Lucci hissing at the blonde. Paulie gave him a look. Continuing to rinse out the soap. Lucci stood up and bit the tan hand hard.

"Fuck Lucci." He cursed.

Paulie blew lightly on the bloody teeth indentions'. At least it didn't tear off a finger... or a hand. Ignoring the pain for now he continued rinsing. Making sure to watch Lucci's mouth.

"Paulie..."

He glared at him. Blue eyes flaring.

"What?"

Lucci turned his head a bit to glance calmly at the blonde.

"What!" He asked with annoyance.

Lucci gave an inward chuckle. His blonde was just too stupid for his own good.

"You're moving my fur in the _Wrong Direction._" Emphasizing the last two words.

!_!

There you have it. The first chappie of the drabble collections. My friend and me were talking about all the funny stuff Paulie and Lucci could do together. I plan to have no less than ten chapters.

Reviews would be wonderful. Also I believe water saps a devil fruit users powers. But Paulie was spraying Lucci with it. So I thought it didn't count on those moments. Yeah.


	2. Guitar Hero

Disclaimer: I still do not own One Piece. Even the idea is my insane friend's. I'm just writing it for her. And if I did instead of Paulie and Lucci fighting. They would've had hot sex. Nor do I own Guitar hero either. Sadly.

Rating: T – language and implied stuff.

Warning: Language, implied dirty things using a guitar, blindness, crack, and AU.

Notice: No animals or blondes were harmed in the making of this fic, only a TV.

Hello again guys. Here's the second drabble of this collection. Trying to not make them too short and not too long. But oh well. Anyway enjoy I guess.

!_!

Just looking at all those flashing lights. Made Lucci wonder if he was going to die of a seizure or horrible blindness.

People and their Guitar Hero.

How did his blonde convince him to come to this god awful place. Only to just leave him here to watch a game preview.

_Guitar Hero: Legends of Rock._

Said blonde shoved a heavy box into his arms. Xbox 360 written in neon green letters on the side. Two thinner boxes joined in plus the actual game itself.

"Paulie."

He turned to face him. Pocketing the receipt. Without saying a word Lucci carelessly dropped the boxes on his arms.

"I'm not your carrier." He said.

Lucci swiped his credit card from Paulie's pocket as well. He learned the hard way. Never trust his blonde with money.

_Ever. _

It just wasn't done.

"Wait up! These things are heavy." Paulie called a few steps behind.

Once outside said blonde used his nimbleness to light his cigar. Causing the guitar boxes to fall to the ground.

Hard.

"Shit." He muttered.

Sighing in pity Lucci helped him. Putting both boxes under his right arm.

"Smoke in the car. And you walk home."

The car ride was relatively quiet, if you don't count Paulie's muttering.

Forty-five minutes later, tensed silence, and six failed conversation attempts. The car finally pulled to a stop at the house. Small yet uninviting. It had a pleasant dark aura hanging over it sometimes.

Especially in the morning and evening.

"Finally." Paulie grunted.

Both of them left the metal box and carried the others inside.

"You do know how to hook it all up. Right?" Asked Lucci an eyebrow raised.

Blonde smiled lighting up his cigar.

"More or less."

Taking a breath and blowing smoke. He placed the guitar boxes on the couch. And held out his hand to Paulie. Said man looked from hand to eyes.

Back and forth.

"No way! Y'know how long it's been since I had one!"

"When we left the mall."

Without saying another word the cigar was put out and shredded.

"I don't kiss ashtrays."

Dark haired man took the hat off his head. Following a coat and tie, all going into the hall closet.

_**Crash**_

"I got it!"

Rock music began to blast from the surround sound system. Fast flashing lights blinded the room out of the LCD flat screen.

"Good thing I borrowed Jyabura's memory card. He has _Through the Fire and Flames_."

Paulie tossed Lucci the extra guitar.

"You and me. On expert. In the dark."

Lucci rolled his eyes. Placing the straps on his shoulders.

"Between us you're hardly an expert in anything in the dark."

If looks could kill they'd both be dead. Heated glares clashed. Electricity shooting between them.

The blonde stood up. Starting up the song in Pro Face-off and shutting the lights.

"Shut it. Or I'll shove this guitar up your ass."

Fingers flew on the buttons. Both men held their own through the beginning. But faltered near the end.

Lucci smirked. Giving his face a sadistic look.

"The day you shove anything in my ass is when I die. And you're a necrophiliac." He boldly said.

Paulie choked on air. Thoughts filling his head non-stop.

'_Lucci… getting fucked… in the ass…'_

They made him miss the very last notes.

_**Player two Rocks!**_

"I win."

Blonde clenched his fist. Gritting his teeth.

"Cheater!" He yelled.

!_!

Man this was hard. I haven't played guitar hero in a long while. And I can't even play hard level yet. Let alone expert. But I figured Lucci could do it. No problem. And Paulie did well too.

But really be careful when playing it in the dark. Potential seizures and blindness. Lucci and Paulie are trained professionals. Well Lucci is. Paulie is just having fun.


	3. Rain

Disclaimer: Do not own One Piece at all. So no sue.

Rating: T-ish

Warnings: AU

Alrighty! Here's the third drabble! Don't worry I haven't forgotten _Nine Lives_. That chap. is gonna be a bit long. Anyway here's the story.

Enjoy!

"Speech"

!_!

He had horrible luck. Truly he did. Men and women alike stared at his walking figure from the safety of a dry shelter. Dark coat didn't provide a shield from the pelting rain.

A pale hand pushed black matted hair away. Wetted to waves bunched up making it seem shorter.

It wasn't too far now.

He'd be in a warm apartment. Next to a very warm body. His pace became faster, determine. A familiar brick building towering over him.

It wasn't an upscale condo, nor was it something run down. The place was mildly secure, with an intercom installed in the rooms. People outside had to be let in by one of the tenants. A touch of two numbers signaled his partner.

"Finally! Where the hell have you been! God Lucci!"

Lucci didn't speak. He placed his body under the door over hang. Closing tired eyes vaguely listening to his blonde. He was angry that was obvious.

Face would be flushed red. Blue eyes dark and clouded. Breath shortens, panting. The situation shot him in the brain, his clothes still uncomfortable.

"Paulie open the door." Lucci spoke calmly into the intercom.

"What's the magic word?"

He sighed inwardly somewhat rolling his eyes.

"Open the door or I go in the other way and strangle you for your annoyance. Please."

The intercom buzzed signaling the lock release. Pushing open the door into the musty dry stairway he made his way to the destination.

Third floor room 3F.

So simple a monkey would understand.

Without a word or calling out Lucci placed the soaked coat on a hook by the door.

"There you are."

He was pulled backwards onto the couch, sitting up. Clothes dampening blue upholstery.

Hold on." Paulie told him.

His blonde disappeared into the only other room. Coming back after a few minutes throwing a towel on damp black hair.

Paulie set down a pair of clothes on the table.

"I brought my clothes. Yours won't be warm enough."

The look of partial disgust came and went on his face. His blonde ignored him. Slowly tan jean clad legs straddled his thighs.

Paulie began to dry the hair. he already had turned the heat up a bit before Lucci got home to get him warm again.

"You're soaked."

He closed tired eyes. Welcoming the caring gesture.

"I know."

Paulie wrapped the strands into the white fluffy towel like a turban.

"Do you need help changing?"

Eyes stared up into his blue ones. It was Lucci's 'you got to be kidding me' look.

"Alright then."

Lightly he kissed a wet forehead. Smiling he went to get off of the man under him.

"Don't move."

The left arm came to wrap his waist holding him on the lap.

Confused etched into his features.

"You're warm. Very warm."

A pale traitorous hand trailed up under his light blue shirt.

"There's more than one way to get warm." Lucci said seductively.

Nibbling on the willing neck.

!_!

Yes that's the end of this drabble. Sorry for the wait and such. But school is going on. And I can't write as often as I would like. But I won't stop trying to!

Anyways review please. No flames! They'll be used to fry meat.


	4. Smoking Ban

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. It's Oda's, but I'm borrowing them for my own amusement.

Warning: AU

Rating: T

All right 4th one. Let's keep this ball rolling shall we. I know Lucci might not like Hacienda, but Paulie hates wearing ties. And I imagined them arguing over it. But that'd be another random drabble.

Enjoy.

!_!

"How many are dining this evening?"

She smiled sweetly at the two gentlemen. They looked like your average guys coming to dine out. Except one of the men was trying to hold the other's arm. Who kept pulling it back and pushing the other man away.

"Two please."

Still smiling she picked the menus' indicating them to follow her. They maneuvered their way around tables, waitresses, waiters, and other patrons.

"Here we go."

Setting down both menus' and walking away from the booth.

"Man why did we come here of all places." The blonde man said.

Shredding off a black jean jacket putting it in the seat next to him. His partner hung his black coat on a hook connect to the side of the booth.

"Stop complaining."

He huffed resting his chin in the palm of his left hand, elbow planted on the table. It wasn't that he hated the place, it had a Mexican feel to it, homey in a way. No it was just the fact they didn't sit in the bar that nicked his side. What? Was his delicate nose and throat gonna die if he sits with smoke? Well it was better than the stupid fancy restaurant he originally wanted to go to. No way in hell was he _ever _wearing a tie.

Ever.

"Hello welcome to Hacienda. My name is Becca and I'll be your server. What would you like to drink?"

Lucci looked through their margarita and alcohol menu.

"Just a bottle of whatever hard beer ya got." Paulie said gruffly.

The dark haired man rolled his eyes knowingly.

"Cranberry margarita please." Lu—well Hattori told her.

"Salt or no salt?" The waitress asked not even noticing the bird.

"No salt please." The bird answered.

Nodding she wrote down their drinks. Paulie stared at his partner and stared. It was getting quite annoying and creepy.

"What?" Lucci asked.

"Cranberry margarita?"

"Yes." he responded sighing.

God he knew where Paulie was going this. Every time they went somewhere... cheap really.

"Do you know how expensive that is?"

Not talking he lifted up the menu covering the blonde from his view. Paulie gritted his teeth frustrated he flicked the colorful menu, again and again. Trying to get Lucci to pay attention to him.

"Stop. Or I won't pay for you."

Paulie froze mid-flick, if Lucci didn't pay for him then he wouldn't eat.

"That's what you get for being cheap and annoying." Hattori said poking his gray head over the menu.

Grumbling slightly the blonde fished into his jacket for the magic stick. Also finding one of his matches.

"Fine then." He said in defeat. Smoke billowing from his mouth.

"Excuse me sir."

Lucci placed the menu down closing it. Becca placed both drinks in front of them.

"You can't smoke in the restaurant. It has been banned by law."

Inwardly he laughed... hard; his blonde's face was priceless. Visibly he was paler than even he was. The hazard was efficiently put out in a small plate the waitress had. The blonde was still in shock, eyes wide and mouth a gape.

"You don't know what it's like!"

Lucci rolled his eyes not paying much attention to the ranting blonde across from him. This was getting pretty tiring and not to mention annoying.

"My whole life depends on them!"

"Um. Are you ready to order." Becca nervously asked.

Under the table a black shoe kicked a jean-clad leg harshly. Whining Paulie glared at the statue of a man.

"Beef taco, everything on it please."

The waitress nodded writing it down. The blonde finally lifted up the menu staring at the different dishes mainly the burritos.

"Chicken burrito, no sour cream, no guacamole. Just chicken, lettuce, tomato, and cheese. Please."

Nodding again she wrote his order down as well.

"Okay then. Let me just get these out of your way." Becca said.

The couple watched boredly as their server left their table. Paulie took a quick swig of his bottle.

"Picky."

Blues eyes slitted to a fierce look. Setting the bottle down on the napkin coaster.

"I am not. Just have tastes."

"Not in fashion." Hattori retorted.

"Like you can talk bird. You're not attractive in the least!" Paulie semi-yelled pointing at the gray bird on Lucci's shoulder.

Hattori just stared at him.

"You fell for it." It told him.

The blonde huffed slouching in his seat. Freakin' Hattori was right, kind of. He did give Lucci something other guys didn't.

"The hell am I thinking. Like I'd fall for that stupid trick."

Okay so maybe he wouldn't exactly admit it anytime soon. But Paulie got the feeling Lucci knew anyway. Since he somehow always knew everything. Which was too annoying and creepy. Can't forget the creepy.

!_!

There's chap. 4. Five coming to an interweb near you.


	5. Cat Food

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. At the rate of my inspiration it would never get aired.

Rating: T

Sorry for the long long long wait. I have been having trouble with inspiration lately. And having only the anime or manga as the only source. It's kind of hard to get this done. *sigh* I wish there was some way I could find some Lucci X Paulie doujins. I know they're out there.

Let's stop my ramblings here's the next drabble.

"Speech"

_**Flashback**_

**_!_!_**

"How about this kind? It has seven types of vegetables."

"Um… Got anything cheaper?"

"Well this one is three medium bags for fifteen dollars."

"Alright. I'll take that one."

"Then I'll go ring these up for you."

The clerk took three bags from the shelf with ease, taking them to a small counter near the front door. His customer followed behind him glancing at the dangling cat toys. Especially one that looked like a yellow canary.

"Would like to add that to your bill?"

The guy nodded slowly placing it among his bags. He shifted his blue eyes around the store.

"That'll be $18.95 please."

He pulled out a beat up brown wallet. The clerk half expected a moth to fly out, but the slot was stuffed with one dollar bills. He set the entire wad on the counter. Sighing the clerk sorted through the bills counting out nineteen of them.

"Here's the change. Have a great day."

Grabbing his items Paulie nodded to the clerk. A bell chimed faintly above the door.

It didn't take long for the blonde to get to his apartment. Paulie ignored the curious stares from some of the more energetic tenants, since there weren't any pets allowed in the building.

"Paulie! Is today your day off?" The landlord asked stopping him in the hallway.

"Yeah. Iceburg is calling it a relax day. Besides it's been pretty slow."

Not explaining anymore he went to his apartment door. Balancing the food Paulie unlocked the door and used his foot to toe it open.

"I'm home!" He called out.

His voice echoed slightly in the empty living room. Quickly he tottered over to the very small kitchen. Finding an open cabinet Paulie shoved the bags inside.

"What're you doing?"

The blonde nearly jumped out of his skin. Patting his hectic heart Paulie tilted his head back. Staring at a seemingly tired man, who looked at him waiting for the blonde's answer. It was hard to form words around the lump that blocked his throat.

"Nothing important."

The man quirked an eyebrow, as he remembered what happened in the morning.

_**"You're fat."**_

_**A clawed hand landed hard next to Paulie's head.**_

_**"Would you like to repeat that?" He growled.**_

_**"Not really, no."**_

Yeah, that is probably what brought on this little session of curiosity. He was only looking out for Lucci's well being, kind of. If it made the food cost decrease then by god Lucci was eating cat food.

"Have you no faith in me? Tell me _Paulie."_ The black haired man purred his name. His breath ghosting over the blonde's ear.

Paulie didn't ponder on how Lucci got so close to him without the blonde noticing. He was used to this by now, or he was too distracted. Swallowing loudly he elbowed the cabinet shut.


	6. Conga Line

Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece

Look I'm back! Updating a year later. Sorry to all those who lost faith that I would ever update. I sort of lost interest in my fanfics until I had a sudden spurt of inspiration.

!_!

"C'mon."

"No."

"It'll be fun."

"Jyabura, I said no."

"But Paulie! I already got other guys into this. All I need is you and Lucci. And he won't do it unless you want to."

"I don't care! I refuse to be a part of this."

"Zoro and Sanji are comin'."

"Still don't care."

"Pleeeeaasse. Here, I even drew a diagram to better explain the awesome experience."

"….. How can you ruin stick figures like that!"

"Whatdoyoumean!" Jyabura asked quickly

"I don't even know what I'm looking at! It looks like a giant conga line!" Paulie sputtered.

"Of sex."

"What are you two yelling about?"

Rob Lucci and Kaku came back to the apartment with bags of groceries. Paulie so happy to have a savior, jumped up from the floor and hid behind his boyfriend. Putting a barrier between him and the monstrosity sitting on the floor.

"Robby! Jyabura was showing me pornographic stick figures of a sexual conga line he wants me to be a part of!" he said distressed.

His boyfriend quirked an eyebrow. "How can stick figures be pornographic?"

"That's not the point!"

Kaku sighed and set the bags on the counter separating the kitchen from the living room.

"Jyabura. You were supposed to wait until we got back to ask them ja."

The blonde grew wide eyed. "You're in on this!"

"Of course. It was my idea." Kaku said leaning on the counter.

Paulie threw up his arms and stomped out of the room.

"I trust none of you!"

!_!

Hopefully it was a fun read for you guys. Reviews would be welcomed.


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